Category Archives: About Cathy

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Victim or Survivor…You DO Have a Choice

Addendum: It was brought to my attention this evening that there may have been some confusion about my post and why I wrote it. Because of this, I have made a small change to the below information. The core of the post is still the same, I am just hoping to clear up any misunderstanding. The issues here are widely discussed among victims and advocates alike. My goal is to help provide victims with tangible, usable information that will help them feel empowered enough to leave, and to help them do so in a way that gives them at least some form of protection against their abuser once they do make it out. It is not my intention to criticize or single out any person, group, site, or source of information.

For quite some time now, I have wanted to discuss some of the control tactics that abusers often use when a victim tries to escape because it is one of the main issues that the protagonist in my upcoming novel deals with. But the approach I take to discussing this may be a little different from what is often out there. Quite often, the victim is basically stripped of all control. She is portrayed as…well…a victim. Certainly, battered women are victims, but I feel that this type of thinking feeds entirely too much into the victim mentality. Because her abuser has too much power, because the system is entirely too screwed up to protect her, because she will lose her children or be forced to continue contact with her abuser, she has no choice in the matter; she is forever the victim. The problem with this? As long as you’re a victim in your head, you will never be anything but. There are stories of success, stories where women have made it out, changed the laws, kept custody, and made a new life free of violence. I get it; it’s important to highlight where the system is lacking, where women go unheard because it happens. Too much. My concern is that there is so much focus on the negative that we’re forgetting a very important part of helping victims – empowering them.

Here are my thoughts: (If I ramble a bit, please forgive me; this is a pretty emotional post.)

One of my biggest concerns is that domestic violence support groups, meetings and even shelters are sometimes slighted for the work they do. Maybe the negative talk is coming from groups that are actually against helping victims (I literally just learned of these groups of people and am appalled). Maybe it’s because it takes the average woman 7 times of leaving to finally leave her abuser for good (which has nothing to do with the shelters, support groups or meetings…at least not in my experience). Or maybe the work they do and what they are is misunderstood. I know that when I first went, I had no idea what I was stepping into. In my head, I pictured a big cafeteria-like room full of cots and pallets made on the floor. I imagined people telling me how horrible of a mother I was for allowing my children to be in an abusive situation. I was deathly afraid of having people look down their noses at me because I was a victim, because I was homeless, because I needed help. Most of all, I feared that these resources wouldn’t be anything more than a place to stay for a while, and that I would have to figure it all out on my own. I found quite the contrary.

Since being there, I’ve heard a few discussions (both online and in person) where it was said that these resources actually push the victim back to the abuser. That, by discussing the abuse and the abuser, and by asking the victim to take responsibility for the reason she was in or stayed in the relationship, they are guilting her into going back, excusing the abuser’s actions and behaviors, and advocating for the abuser. Personally, I have never, not once, ever, been to a domestic violence meeting, class or other function that advocated for the abuser. The abuser IS addressed. But in my own experience, the purpose of addressing the abuser’s issue was about education – not to help the victim understand or excuse the actions of the abuser. Instead, it was designed to help the victim better understand how she ended up in an abusive situation in the first place and how she can better SPOT an abuser in the future. Why is this important?

If you don’t understand how you ended up in an abusive relationship, you can’t avoid them in the future. There are clear instances and moments in an abusive relationship (these are generally early on) that emotionally healthy women would walk away from. Women that end up in abusive relationships make excuses; they may even see these acts as endearing or sweet. They internalize the blame, long before the abuser starts to transfer blame. And even after the abuse starts, many victims rationalize the behavior. This is just one scenario – there are many, many more. But the point is that it’s important to understand why YOU ended up in the relationship in the first place, why you didn’t see the signs early on in the relationship, why you continued to raise the bar on what’s considered okay and safe. Which brings me to my next point…

Another reason that abuser education is important is that, until you can recognize the commonalities between abusers, you cannot avoid getting into abusive relationships. For example, potentially abusive individuals are more likely to talk negatively about their childhood and their parents (particularly their fathers) than non-abusers. Since talks about childhood and parents often occur early on in a relationship, this is a key point for former victims to know. Is this trying to understand the abuser that you’ve already left? It can be interpreted that way by some, but I would hope not. Is this helping a victim spot the next potentially abusive guy that walks into her life? That is the goal.

I refuse, and I do mean REFUSE to accept the whole mentality of “Well, what is she supposed to do when the entire system is against her and her abuser is out to get her?” Is it difficult to get away from an abuser and win? Yes, without a doubt. But is it possible to get away and win? Absolutely. But it all starts with keeping the control where it belongs. Victims already have so much control taken away from them while they are in the relationship; don’t take away what control they do have when they leave the abuser by telling them that the system is so screwed that their situation is hopeless. Sure, I agree that the system could be better. But there are options for victims, and the second you lead them to believe that there aren’t, you strip them of all the control that could help them get out. Here are just a few examples in which the victim is led to believe that they have to submit to the abuser:

Religion: I could rant for days on this one, so I’m just going to leave it at this: I’m 100% certain that abuse does not fall under the whole “women should be submissive to their husbands” clause. This applies, no matter what religion/doctrine you believe in.

Custody of children: Abusers will threaten to take full custody, but rarely do abusers get full custody. Does it happen? Yes, but it’s not an easy thing to accomplish. Abusers may be given residential custody (where the child resides primarily with the abuser) if they can “prove” that the victim is unable to provide a safe and stable environment (there are many ways that abusers may try to do this), but more and more states  are moving towards providing both parents with equal parenting rights. But victims can fight it. Victims have the power to request that all visits are supervised while custody proceedings are pending (the victim does NOT have to be the supervisor). Or, if the abuser does not pose a threat to the child, the victim has the right to request neutral pick up and drop offs of the children. (It should be duly noted, however, that if the victim provides proof of abuse, it is highly unlikely that a child will be left unsupervised in the care of the abuser. And it should also be mentioned that, if an abuser is able and willing to abuse a partner, they are quite capable, and often do, abuse their children at some point.) That means filing police reports. It means pressing charges. It means filing an order of protection the DAY she leaves. It means going to a place that can help with all the legalities (think police station, Child Protective Services and domestic violence shelters), and it requires her to think ahead. Certainly, there are times in which thinking ahead is practically impossible because the situation suddenly turns beyond dangerous, but even in these instances, there are options. Go to the police station first. Then go to a domestic violence shelter. I recommend this to ALL victims, for a variety of reasons, but namely because they are a victim’s biggest resource.

Can you still lose? Yes. It’s possible, and it does happen. The results can be tragic. And yes, there are worst case scenario situations. And while it is true that leaving can actually cause violence to escalate, there are no guarantees that staying will keep you or your children safe of alive. Remember, the second you stop fighting, the second that you give up your control, you become the victim again. Also in some cases where custody losses have happened, the victim failed to fight for herself, failed to speak out because she was afraid, or simply wasn’t educated on the resources that do exist. She gave in to the abuser’s requests, pressuring, ploys, etc. Or she allowed an attorney to convince her that it would be in her best interest to keep quiet and play cooperative. None of this is true, and none of this should ever happen.

The fight has to start the second she leaves, and if at all possible, before she actually leaves. Start talking to someone, anyone. Call the domestic violence hotline. Talk to a friend or family member. Seek out a domestic violence support group; other victims (many of which have successfully left abusive relationships) can provide you with a plethora of knowledge and experience. Do whatever you can to start making steps in the right direction before you leave. Just be cautious and careful. Never use a phone that can be checked by your abuser – the hotline number is free, so you can even make the call from a payphone. If you start attending a support group, attend only if you know he will be gone or busy, and never take the same route twice, just in case he follows you for a while. If you ever suspect that you are in immediate danger, do not wait to leave. Leave NOW. Go to a safe place – a police station, a public place, and call the domestic violence hotline. And never, I mean NEVER, leave your children home alone with your abuser.

Lawyers: In any case where criminal charges are involved, the court can APPOINT you an attorney. For non-criminal cases, seek out an attorney. You should never, ever, EVER go up against an abuser without one. For any reason. If finances are an issue, contact your local legal aide. And be sure to have all your ducks in a row. Get copies of all police reports and give them to your lawyer. Get letters from the shelter, if at all possible. Gather statements from family and friends. If you’ve ever been treated for breaks, concussions or any other injuries relating to the abuse, get copies and give them to your lawyer.

Abuser pushing family and friends out of your corner and into his: Generally, family and friends will take your side – at least REAL friends and family members. Be honest with them about the situation. Explain to them what has happened and what’s been going on in your life. Do this immediately. Family and friends are smart; they suspected something all along. I promise. They saw how you stopped making contact with them. They wondered why you stopped visiting or calling. And at least one person suspected that you were being abused. Though you may feel ashamed, like you are weak, you have to stand up for yourself now – and that starts with being open about the abuse. This also helps start the healing process.

Claims of mental instability: Go to a counselor. You can see a counselor through the shelter, but I recommend additional therapy. If you have no income, then you can usually qualify for state insurance. This will give you access to mental health services at no cost. Provide any and all mental health records to your attorney prior to your first court date.

Claims of drug abuse: Get a drug test. On your own. Provide the results to your attorney.

Lack of funds: This is a key area that abusers use to keep victims within their control. But it doesn’t have to be. There is state funding – food stamps, cash assistance and medical care. If you go to a domestic violence shelter, you can usually get approved within 10 days of your application because you are considered “homeless.” Remind yourself that it’s temporary, and that eventually, you will get back on your feet; you will have a job and a place of your own eventually. But for now, there’s nothing wrong with accepting help.

School for the kids: Change the kids’ school. Do NOT take them to the school they were attending while you were with your abuser. Provide the new school with a copy of your order of protection so that they know the abuser cannot pick up the children from school, for any reason.

Victim or survivor – the real truth: I can’t tell you how many women I watched go back. It was never the same reason. Some went back because they felt guilty; the kids would say how much they missed their Daddy or the women would worry that they would look like the bad guy. Some went back because they felt they couldn’t survive alone (financially, emotionally, or otherwise). To be honest, there are almost as many reasons to go back as there are victims. But there is always a core issue – an issue that goes much deeper than what most people can see.

Very rarely does the core issue come down to a fear of the abuser; if that were the case, the victim would continue to run in the other direction. However, there may be other fears, such as being afraid they can’t parent alone or that they can’t survive on their own. There are sometimes fears that the abuser can take the children, and that does happen on occasion. If, however, the victim takes the appropriate steps, gets enough people in her corner (people with authority) and speaks quite plainly and honestly (note I did not say maliciously or out of anger) about her situation, many people will listen. The problem comes when the victim doesn’t speak about the issue until the court date comes – when she stands in front of a judge and announces that she was abused when there is no documentation to back her story up. That’s why police reports, Child Protective Services, domestic violence shelters, and protective orders are so very important. These things and organizations serve as documentation.

Now, there is a real issue here, and that is, where custody situations arise, the batterer may be permitted to attend a support group or classes to obtain visitation (or in some cases, custody) of the child/ren. This is something that really needs to be addressed in the family court system because, not only are these classes/groups ineffective at treating the abuser (unless, of course, the abuser is actually interested in changing), these systems are easily manipulated. And it puts the battered woman and her children at further risk. What’s more, there are rarely follow-ups on custody cases where these types of arrangements have been made. Because of this, the abuser may (and often does) return to his abusive/stalking/threatening, and the children and the victim are left without any form of recourse.

In conclusion:

I can’t tell you, for certain, what makes the difference between someone leaving an abusive situation for good and why it is that so many women go back; I don’t have that answer, but I will tell you what was different for me. From the day I stepped into the shelter, I refused to accept the word victim. I wasn’t a victim and I didn’t believe that I ever had been. We victims tend think we have no choice but to be the victim, after all, our abuser has spent quite a bit of time and energy convincing us that we’ll never make it out or survive without them. But as long as you ARE a victim, you have no control. That lack of control is pretty scary, and it feeds into the thought that you can’t make it, that you can’t win, that you’ll never be able to get away from him. I was a survivor, even before I left. In my personal opinion, the only real victims are those that die while with their abusers because they never make it out. All other “victims” have the chance to leave. As hard as it may be, as scary as it is, there is always that chance. And only when the victim realizes that she doesn’t have to be a victim anymore will she truly be ready to leave the situation for good. Certainly there are challenges, and the entire thing feels insurmountable. But focusing on what can be done, by taking one small step after another, the victim can reach a healthier, violence free life.

All of this may just be my own opinion, but I am a survivor. Having survived and having put my life back together, I feel I do have a bit of authority to speak on this issue that so very few truly and honestly understand. Don’t mistake me for high and mighty or uppity; I just know that, in the shelters I stayed at, most of the women that worked there had been victims themselves at one time. I believe there really is a reason for that – because unless you’ve been a victim, you can never really understand what it’s like to be a victim or what it’s like to try and leave the abuse behind for good. It’s like trying to understand what it’s like to be blind. You can empathize, but until you’ve been blind, you’ll never fully understand.

Additional note: Oddly enough, I decided to do some additional research after writing this post. I found this resource which provides much of the same information listed above, but also some additional tips for battered women facing custody issues. The statistics are scary and alarming, and almost disheartening. But remember, there are things you can do. Do not give up. Do not let anyone take away your hope for a safe home environment. Above all, do not continue to live a life in which you must feel fear each and every day. There are ways to fight back, and you can start today.

Much love and support to all my fellow victims and survivors,

Catherine Givans

 

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Silence is Golden

If you’ve been following me, it’s likely that you’ve noticed that I’ve been missing for a while, and not just on my blog. My Twitter and Facebook accounts have seen very little action these past few weeks. Plus, I’ve failed to share my TBH Teasers the last few weeks. Have no fear. I haven’t dropped off the face of the Earth, just off the face of the online community. There are many reasons for this, but the most important has to do with making sure I meet my writing deadline. If I want to have The Broken Home in the hands of readers this summer, I’ve got to dig in and write more. Reality is, I have a lot going on in my personal life (five kids, a house to remodel, a job…yeah, plate’s a little full, lol). And if I’m going to have time to complete my book on time, something has to go. Obviously, I can’t take time off from my kids, and I need my job. So, there you have it – my social presence has to take a bit of a decline. But trust me, I promise to get back on and start sharing some more when I feel a little more confident about hitting my deadline. Until then, I’ll miss you all! And just so you know, I am still responding to messages and emails, so don’t forget, you can always send me a message via Facebook or Twitter or use the contact form to contact me by email.

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Nominations for Four Blog Awards…WOW!

I find myself speechless and humbled when I realize the awesomeness of the people I know. I’m surrounded by scours of hilarious, snarky, sweet, genuine, amazing book bloggers. I’ve connected with some of the sweetest, most creative, most supportive authors on the planet. Then there are those amazing people that are actually interested in reading what I write, which just brings a “pinch me” factor feeling.

I’m insanely grateful for all of these people. Without them, there’s no way in this world I’d be working at fulfilling my lifelong dream. So I’d like to give a big, huge, wet, slobbery thank you to everyone who has encouraged, acknowledged, lent some of their amazing wisdom or taken the time to get to know me and blessed me with one of the greatest gifts ever: friendship. There are entirely too many of these people to name individually, but I’m certain that each of you know who you are. Hopefully, I thank you often enough and let you know just how amazingly special you are to me.

And speaking of friendship and amazing people and support….

Jennifer Wagner nominated me for, get this, not one, not two, not three, but FOUR blog awards! How amazingly sweet! Not even enough thank-you’s in the world for this chick! Love her to pieces. <3

The first blog award is for The Lovely Blog Award. Here are the rules:

  1. Thank the nominator
  2. Nominate others that are worthy of that award in your opinion (official rules recommend 15, but that number can be tweaked.) Make sure that the people you nominate know they have been nominated.
  3. Share 7 things about yourself (and mention where these things can be read. You can use your blog, but not everyone does.)

So, with Jen thanked, it’s on to the 7 things about me that you probably don’t know:

  1. I tend to follow each and every crazy idea I have. Then I analyze it, dissect it, pull it apart, weigh it, entertain it to its fullest. And then I often change my mind – decide that it isn’t plausible or that I want something else more or there are too many road blocks or that the crazy idea just isn’t meant to happen quite yet. Because of this, I’m often considered indecisive or very fickle with my decisions.
  2. I’ve only been to the ocean once, yet dream about it pretty much daily. I swoon over pictures, fall in love with almost every book or movie with an ocean, and even plan imaginary vacations to the ocean.
  3. I also have a serious infatuation with exotic places – countries I’ve never been. Canada, Greece, Italy, France, Germany, Ireland. I guess since I’ve seen most of the states at one time or another, I’m not quite as infatuated. Or maybe it’s really just my obsession with foreign accents. =D
  4. I’m a former band nerd. But more than that, I love music in general. Classical, jazz, grunge, rock, oldies…pretty much anything except heavy metal. I can’t stand not knowing what they’re saying. Oh, and I like to sing, although I’m  not as good  at it after years of polluting my poor vocal chords.
  5. I have a serious obsession with dreadlocks. I’ve actually had two sets myself. Unfortunately, I’ve learned that have a very sensitive scalp, for one reason or another and have had to remove both sets right around the six month mark due to tightening at the roots.
  6. I have no decorating skills, whatsoever. I look at amazing interior decorating photos and sit in awe at how colors and schemes come together, but my walls are bare and there isn’t a throw pillow anywhere in this house.
  7. I have a black thumb. With all of my desires to live more environmentally friendly, I’ve tried several times to grow vegetables, flowers and so much more. I succeed for a little while, but eventually, all of my plants die.

The second nomination is for the Reader Appreciate Award. Here are the rules:

1. Include the award logo somewhere in your blog.

2. Answer the nine questions below.

3. Nominate 10 to 12 blogs you enjoy. Or you pick the number.

4. Pay the love forward: Provide your nominee’s link in your post and comment on their blog to let them know they’ve been included and invited to participate.

5. Pay the love back with gratitude and a link to the blogger(s) who nominated you.

Questions for the Reader Appreciate Award:

What is your favorite color?

Oh how I hate favorite questions! I tend to shy away from favorite questions because there are just too many amazing things in life to pick just one. Colors are a prime example. I love the blue of the ocean, the yellow of a sunflower, the oranges, pinks and purples of a sunset, the green of grass, the reds and yellows of changing leaves in the fall, the gray of storm clouds…you get the idea.

What’s your favorite animal?

Again with the favorites! Well, I love my dog, but definitely prefer the personality of cats. But I also love dolphins, whales, turtles. I don’t much care for snakes, spiders or scorpions, however.

What’s your favorite non-alcoholic drink?

Finally! An favorite I can answer! Green tea…or Red Bull. I’m ashamed to admit the latter though, lol.

Facebook or Twitter?

Oooo…well, that depends. I love both! I love my tweeps dearly, but I also have a lot of really close friends on Facebook. So I guess it depends on who I feel like talking to that day, or who feels like talking to me, lol.

What is your favorite pattern?

Actually, I’m pretty abstract. I like anything that can create art – splashes, splatters, circles, you name it!

Favorite day of the week?

Since I stay home with my kiddos, most days are pretty much the same to me. I love being home with them (most of the time,lol),  and don’t have any special rituals on special days because we really just have to steal moments with Daddy on  his days off, which vary.

Favorite flower?

Anything colorful!

What is your passion?

By nature, I tend to be a passionate person, so almost anything I do, I’m passionate about…unless you count laundry, lol. The short list: people, writing, being a wife  and mom, the environment, animal, humanitarian efforts and  love.

Next is The Most Inspiring Blog Award

In this one, I’m supposed to tell seven things  about myself that you may not already know. I’ve already done that above.

Lastly, is The Sisterhood of the World Blogger’s Award, which there are no requirements for, other than nominations.

So, for my nominees for all 4 awards are:

Rachael Wade

Christine from Welcome to My Brain

Kara from Great Imaginations

Ashley from the Bookish Brunette

The Chronicles of an Enamored Soul

Pixie Lynn Whitfield at The Bookaholic

Kristine Cayne

Miranda at SoulandGrime

Hallie Chandler

Alicia at Milagro Girl

NOTE:  I completely understand if any of the people I’ve nominated would rather not participate. I also understand if life is a little too busy right now. I may have even nominated blogs that maybe aren’t exactly relevant to these awards, but they are blogs that inspire me. So, no matter whether you participate or not, I’d like to thank you for all that you do.

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You Are Beautiful

Five years ago today, I met an amazing man. Over the years, he has given me a soft place to land when my heart was hurting. He’s reinforced the beauty of me when I allow myself to doubt. He has loved every part of me, even when I’ve felt I was being unlovable. He took on a woman with baggage – three children and a history of abuse.

But this post isn’t really about him. While he is especially wonderful and amazing, this post is meant to celebrate the woman I had come to be the day he met me. While I’ve certainly changed drastically since that day, I can’t help but stand in awe of that woman.

Less than a year before that, that same woman had spent her days fearful and afraid, beaten and abused, isolated and alone. She allowed every ounce of that hurt and pain into her life, yet she failed to recognize that she had the power to change it. She was never truly a victim. She was an enabler.

It took a long time for her to see it, but when she did, she knew, at that very moment, if she didn’t leave the situation she was in, there might not ever be another chance. With nothing more than three children and the clothes on her back, she found her way across town and into a shelter. At that shelter, she learned that love didn’t come from any external source, but from within. She learned that she could survive and that being a single mother wasn’t half bad. In fact, it was wonderful, amazing, beautiful, empowering and uplifting.

I’m still a bit neurotic at times, I panic over things I shouldn’t, I curse way too much, my house is almost always a mess, my laundry piles up until I think it will grow legs and devour my children, I allow myself to get distracted from the song my soul sings, and I have an abrasive personality when the wrong line is crossed. But I am beautiful. I always have been. And so are you.

No matter where you are in life, no matter what you believe, no matter what your imperfections or past. You. Are. BEAUTIFUL. If you remember nothing else, believe nothing else, let those three words sing true in your heart today, tomorrow, and for eternity.

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Write What You Know…Agree or Disagree?

ImageThere’s an old adage in the writing world: “Write what you know.”  Do you agree? Here’s my thoughts on that question:

If authors wrote books solely on personal experience, knowledge and understanding, the fictional world would be pretty stinking boring. *YAWN* Think about it! Where would all the fairies, vampires, dragons and elves be? We all need to use a little imagination when writing.

Then, of course, there’s the issue of trying to stay true to history, folklore or tradition. I find it highly unlikely that every author who has written about vampires, werewolves or shape shifters knew EVERYTHING about these mythical creatures before they started writing about them. They probably had to do some research. And what about writers that want a novel that takes place outside of their personally travelled geographical location? There’s a lot you can accomplish with Google maps and tourist catalogs. Why should an author be limited to just their small corner of the world? IMO, they shouldn’t!

But there are some topic matters that I do believe are best written by those that have personal experience in them. One example: domestic violence. I can almost always tell if a person has been affected by domestic violence by the way they write about it. It’s a very sensitive subject matter, and it’s one that you simply don’t understand if you’ve never been there or been affected by it. It’s very easy to make some very stereotypical judgments about the abuser or the victim when you’ve never had either in your personal life.

Does that mean that I think that others shouldn’t try to write about domestic violence? Not necessarily. If they can do so with compassion and empathy, I say go for it! I’m not so certain I would delve so deeply in the mentality of either the victim or the abuser unless you do some extensive studying, but research kind of goes along hand in hand with writing about topics you don’t have personal experience about. It’s just like writing about a serial killer; it’s highly unlikely that any of the authors that have written about serial killers have ever BEEN serial killers. They’ve probably done a lot of research on the thinking, mentality and mannerisms of a serial killer, though. They may have even studied themselves to the brink of insanity just so they could get inside their killer’s head.

So write what you know? No. Write what you’re willing to understand and comprehend to its fullest capacity? YES!

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How Do We Tofu?

So I know that tofu has NOTHING to do with writing, but it is a topic that I get asked about A LOT! So, I thought I would take a moment to share our tofu journey with you.

Most of those questions I get about tofu are asked through wrinkled noses or crumpled faces. “How do you eat it?” or “What does it taste like?” and then there’s the infamous “It must be an acquired taste, I didn’t care for it.”

I will admit, it took me some time to really like tofu, but I don’t believe it was an “acquired taste” issue as much as it was an acquired cooking technique. You see, tofu, eaten plain, is rather tasteless. It has a spongy texture, and while there are definitely some fellow veggie friends that eat it right out of the box, it’s not exactly something that I enjoy eating plain.

So what do I do with tofu?

A lot of things actually. But before I explain how we prepare it, I’m going to take you on a very short journey – our family’s journey into the world of tofu.

Just three short years ago, we were meat eaters. We ate much like the “average American.” We had bacon and eggs for breakfast, tuna sandwiches for lunch and spaghetti and meatballs for dinner. Meat – three times a day, every day. I don’t think there was ever a meal that I served without meat in it. Why? Well, partly because we’re lead to believe that our protein intake will fall desperately short if we’re not consuming meat and other animal products in massive amounts daily. We’re lead to believe that we need a lot of protein.

The truth? We don’t need as much protein as we think we do. In fact, protein issues are pretty much unheard of in America. Protein issues are mostly found in third world countries where food is sparse – not just protein foods, all foods.

Another interesting truth that few people know about is that animal derived foods (this includes everything from yogurt to steak) is the ONLY place we find saturated fats. They do not exist in plant food sources, unless you count plant oils. (Anything made with plant oils will also be high in saturated fats.)

With heart attacks and stroke and heart disease and atherosclerosis as rampant as it is in the American culture today, it amazes me that we can’t seem to find the source of our problem….

At any rate, moving on…

So three years ago, our family tried a little experiment. For three weeks, we ate only whole foods. We did not any food derived from animals, we ate nothing processed, nothing preserved, no sugar (other than the sugar from natural plant sources like fruit). I spent a lot of time in the kitchen and it was a big adjustment – the hardest adjustment being all the chopping. I’ve cooked most of our meals from scratch for years, simply because it’s cheaper.

After three days, (the first three days were HORRIBLE btw – it was all the sugar, caffeine and processed junk coming out of my system) I started noticing a difference in the way I felt. I wasn’t irritable. I had more energy and that energy lasted me all through the day. I lost a substantial amount of weight in that short time period. I slept better. Bathroom trips were better, even my sex life was impacted. There wasn’t a single part of my life that wasn’t benefited by making this drastic change to my diet.

Of course, since it was an experiment, I was excited to grab a burger and chocolate sundae the very same day it was over. I ate three bites of my cheeseburger and maybe four of the ice cream. I felt horribly sick, and sluggish, and quite honestly, I felt like I was high. That got me thinking…

If I felt that sick after a few bites of a hamburger and ice cream…how badly could my “regular” diet be affecting my health. Being a lover of information and research, I dug into the world of meat and sugar and processed foods. I uncovered everything I could find. I didn’t like what I found even a little. In fact, I was disgusted.

Now, I’m not going to go into all of it in detail, because we’d be here all day, but let’s just say that I never looked at my food the same way again. I came across a lot of protein and calcium alternatives for vegetarians and vegans. Tofu was one of them. I crinkled my nose and thought “Ewww…I don’t know if I can eat that….” Luckily for me, I had the wonderful privilege of being friends with the always amazing, totally crunchy Christine Moers who walked me through the “fear no tofu” mentality.

I started our tofu adventure by crumbling it up into tiny pieces and adding it to rich tasting foods like lasagna and chili. That went rather well. None of my kids (or my husband) even knew it was in there until I told them. Once we got past the fear of tofu, we moved onto other tofu cooking options.

I tried it in stir fries. That didn’t go so well at first. It was too mushy, too spongy and it tasted awful! I started looking at some recipes, trying to see if I could find another way to incorporate tofu into our diet. In my search, I ran across a wonderful little gem. This little gem completely changed the way my family looks at tofu.

Tofu is drained and then sponged dry with a clean cloth. It is then cubed. I usually chop it into fairly small chunks because the smaller chunks seem to come out better. The chunks are then tossed into a skillet. (I do not use oil to cook the tofu, btw. The water from the tofu is sufficient for pan frying.) I then season the tofu with sea salt, pepper and garlic powder. Depending on what I’m cooking, I might add a little chili powder, onion powder or even cayenne if it’s a really spicy dish. The tofu is then left to “fry” for a couple of minutes and then turned. You don’t have to turn it often. You want it to look a little charred (but not black, lol).

Here is what our tofu looks like before we add it to our meals:

The end result is a tofu that is the same consistency as meat. The flavor is not spongy or bland. It tastes like the food we are eating. We do make tofu scramble, which is not cooked in this method, but the scramble is not the same spongy taste you often get when you try to cook cubed tofu without seasoning it. Also, if we are making a soup or some similar dish with it, I create a the broth for the soup well ahead of dinner time and then soak the tofu in the broth after it is pan “fried.” This gives the tofu time to soak up the flavor of the soup.

So that’s it. That’s how we cook tofu. And it really is a hit around here, even among my occasional meat-eating children. They pick the tofu out and eat it, even when they don’t like the veggies. Like I said, it’s not an acquired taste; it’s an acquired cooking technique. So don’t wrinkle your nose – give it a try and learn how to cook it in a way that works for you!