Category Archives: healing

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How You Can Help Moore, OK Tornado Victims

I am not a victim in the recent tornado outbreaks.

But I do live in Oklahoma. I know just how scary those sirens are. How your heart feels like it’s going to beat right out of your chest, and all you can think to ask for is that it misses you, and that if it does hit, that you and your loved ones make it out alive. Because, in the end, that’s all that matters.

The recent outbreak of storms happened just hours from my home. The day of the Moore tornado (and the entire evening before), we spent hours watching the television, waiting to see if the storms passing through our area would develop into something more dangerous than some heavy rain, wind and hail. We made sure that everyone had shoes on, just in case. My husband and I had to work on remembering to use our calm voices. We distracted the kids with frozen pizza for dinner. We watched a movie. All the while, I kept checking my phone for updates.

But again, we are safe. Our home is safe. We didn’t experience anything worse than a good old thunderstorm and some wind.

I wouldn’t call us lucky because I don’t think that this has anything to do with “luck.” But I do know that we cannot even begin to comprehend what life is like right now for those in Moore, OK. Some lost their children. Some lost their homes and belongings. Some lost everything. They’ve lost their sense of safety and security. Some victims may be haunted by the sounds of sirens and winds that sound like jet planes for a long time. Some may be haunted forever.

Right now, there are people helping. Volunteers are helping victims try to piece their lives back together. Cities all across Oklahoma are gathering donations. The Red Cross is already involved. But what has touched me even more is that there are people outside of Oklahoma looking for a way to help. Though they may never have even heard a tornado siren in their life, they can imagine for a moment what it must be like to lose everything in a matter of seconds. They are reaching out to help in any way they can.

  • Shelly Crane, NY Times and USA Today Bestselling Author is donating 100% of proceeds from Wide Awake to the Oklahoma victims.
  • Jennifer L. Armentrout is holding an auction with some pretty awesome book titles. Highest bidder gets the prize and she’ll match the winning bid and donate all funds to the Moore victims.

There may be more out there, but this is who I have so far. If you know of any other authors (or even just amazing people doing some amazing things to help out), please leave the information in the comment section or contact me via Facebook.

People will be talking about the Moore victims for a while, but it takes years to rebuild a town, to rebuild lives. Some will never be the same, even after they’ve replaced the material items. If you want to help, these amazing authors are giving fans a simple, easy way to do so. But you can also make donations to the American Red Cross. They take any amount, and every little bit helps.

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Victim or Survivor…You DO Have a Choice

Addendum: It was brought to my attention this evening that there may have been some confusion about my post and why I wrote it. Because of this, I have made a small change to the below information. The core of the post is still the same, I am just hoping to clear up any misunderstanding. The issues here are widely discussed among victims and advocates alike. My goal is to help provide victims with tangible, usable information that will help them feel empowered enough to leave, and to help them do so in a way that gives them at least some form of protection against their abuser once they do make it out. It is not my intention to criticize or single out any person, group, site, or source of information.

For quite some time now, I have wanted to discuss some of the control tactics that abusers often use when a victim tries to escape because it is one of the main issues that the protagonist in my upcoming novel deals with. But the approach I take to discussing this may be a little different from what is often out there. Quite often, the victim is basically stripped of all control. She is portrayed as…well…a victim. Certainly, battered women are victims, but I feel that this type of thinking feeds entirely too much into the victim mentality. Because her abuser has too much power, because the system is entirely too screwed up to protect her, because she will lose her children or be forced to continue contact with her abuser, she has no choice in the matter; she is forever the victim. The problem with this? As long as you’re a victim in your head, you will never be anything but. There are stories of success, stories where women have made it out, changed the laws, kept custody, and made a new life free of violence. I get it; it’s important to highlight where the system is lacking, where women go unheard because it happens. Too much. My concern is that there is so much focus on the negative that we’re forgetting a very important part of helping victims – empowering them.

Here are my thoughts: (If I ramble a bit, please forgive me; this is a pretty emotional post.)

One of my biggest concerns is that domestic violence support groups, meetings and even shelters are sometimes slighted for the work they do. Maybe the negative talk is coming from groups that are actually against helping victims (I literally just learned of these groups of people and am appalled). Maybe it’s because it takes the average woman 7 times of leaving to finally leave her abuser for good (which has nothing to do with the shelters, support groups or meetings…at least not in my experience). Or maybe the work they do and what they are is misunderstood. I know that when I first went, I had no idea what I was stepping into. In my head, I pictured a big cafeteria-like room full of cots and pallets made on the floor. I imagined people telling me how horrible of a mother I was for allowing my children to be in an abusive situation. I was deathly afraid of having people look down their noses at me because I was a victim, because I was homeless, because I needed help. Most of all, I feared that these resources wouldn’t be anything more than a place to stay for a while, and that I would have to figure it all out on my own. I found quite the contrary.

Since being there, I’ve heard a few discussions (both online and in person) where it was said that these resources actually push the victim back to the abuser. That, by discussing the abuse and the abuser, and by asking the victim to take responsibility for the reason she was in or stayed in the relationship, they are guilting her into going back, excusing the abuser’s actions and behaviors, and advocating for the abuser. Personally, I have never, not once, ever, been to a domestic violence meeting, class or other function that advocated for the abuser. The abuser IS addressed. But in my own experience, the purpose of addressing the abuser’s issue was about education – not to help the victim understand or excuse the actions of the abuser. Instead, it was designed to help the victim better understand how she ended up in an abusive situation in the first place and how she can better SPOT an abuser in the future. Why is this important?

If you don’t understand how you ended up in an abusive relationship, you can’t avoid them in the future. There are clear instances and moments in an abusive relationship (these are generally early on) that emotionally healthy women would walk away from. Women that end up in abusive relationships make excuses; they may even see these acts as endearing or sweet. They internalize the blame, long before the abuser starts to transfer blame. And even after the abuse starts, many victims rationalize the behavior. This is just one scenario – there are many, many more. But the point is that it’s important to understand why YOU ended up in the relationship in the first place, why you didn’t see the signs early on in the relationship, why you continued to raise the bar on what’s considered okay and safe. Which brings me to my next point…

Another reason that abuser education is important is that, until you can recognize the commonalities between abusers, you cannot avoid getting into abusive relationships. For example, potentially abusive individuals are more likely to talk negatively about their childhood and their parents (particularly their fathers) than non-abusers. Since talks about childhood and parents often occur early on in a relationship, this is a key point for former victims to know. Is this trying to understand the abuser that you’ve already left? It can be interpreted that way by some, but I would hope not. Is this helping a victim spot the next potentially abusive guy that walks into her life? That is the goal.

I refuse, and I do mean REFUSE to accept the whole mentality of “Well, what is she supposed to do when the entire system is against her and her abuser is out to get her?” Is it difficult to get away from an abuser and win? Yes, without a doubt. But is it possible to get away and win? Absolutely. But it all starts with keeping the control where it belongs. Victims already have so much control taken away from them while they are in the relationship; don’t take away what control they do have when they leave the abuser by telling them that the system is so screwed that their situation is hopeless. Sure, I agree that the system could be better. But there are options for victims, and the second you lead them to believe that there aren’t, you strip them of all the control that could help them get out. Here are just a few examples in which the victim is led to believe that they have to submit to the abuser:

Religion: I could rant for days on this one, so I’m just going to leave it at this: I’m 100% certain that abuse does not fall under the whole “women should be submissive to their husbands” clause. This applies, no matter what religion/doctrine you believe in.

Custody of children: Abusers will threaten to take full custody, but rarely do abusers get full custody. Does it happen? Yes, but it’s not an easy thing to accomplish. Abusers may be given residential custody (where the child resides primarily with the abuser) if they can “prove” that the victim is unable to provide a safe and stable environment (there are many ways that abusers may try to do this), but more and more states  are moving towards providing both parents with equal parenting rights. But victims can fight it. Victims have the power to request that all visits are supervised while custody proceedings are pending (the victim does NOT have to be the supervisor). Or, if the abuser does not pose a threat to the child, the victim has the right to request neutral pick up and drop offs of the children. (It should be duly noted, however, that if the victim provides proof of abuse, it is highly unlikely that a child will be left unsupervised in the care of the abuser. And it should also be mentioned that, if an abuser is able and willing to abuse a partner, they are quite capable, and often do, abuse their children at some point.) That means filing police reports. It means pressing charges. It means filing an order of protection the DAY she leaves. It means going to a place that can help with all the legalities (think police station, Child Protective Services and domestic violence shelters), and it requires her to think ahead. Certainly, there are times in which thinking ahead is practically impossible because the situation suddenly turns beyond dangerous, but even in these instances, there are options. Go to the police station first. Then go to a domestic violence shelter. I recommend this to ALL victims, for a variety of reasons, but namely because they are a victim’s biggest resource.

Can you still lose? Yes. It’s possible, and it does happen. The results can be tragic. And yes, there are worst case scenario situations. And while it is true that leaving can actually cause violence to escalate, there are no guarantees that staying will keep you or your children safe of alive. Remember, the second you stop fighting, the second that you give up your control, you become the victim again. Also in some cases where custody losses have happened, the victim failed to fight for herself, failed to speak out because she was afraid, or simply wasn’t educated on the resources that do exist. She gave in to the abuser’s requests, pressuring, ploys, etc. Or she allowed an attorney to convince her that it would be in her best interest to keep quiet and play cooperative. None of this is true, and none of this should ever happen.

The fight has to start the second she leaves, and if at all possible, before she actually leaves. Start talking to someone, anyone. Call the domestic violence hotline. Talk to a friend or family member. Seek out a domestic violence support group; other victims (many of which have successfully left abusive relationships) can provide you with a plethora of knowledge and experience. Do whatever you can to start making steps in the right direction before you leave. Just be cautious and careful. Never use a phone that can be checked by your abuser – the hotline number is free, so you can even make the call from a payphone. If you start attending a support group, attend only if you know he will be gone or busy, and never take the same route twice, just in case he follows you for a while. If you ever suspect that you are in immediate danger, do not wait to leave. Leave NOW. Go to a safe place – a police station, a public place, and call the domestic violence hotline. And never, I mean NEVER, leave your children home alone with your abuser.

Lawyers: In any case where criminal charges are involved, the court can APPOINT you an attorney. For non-criminal cases, seek out an attorney. You should never, ever, EVER go up against an abuser without one. For any reason. If finances are an issue, contact your local legal aide. And be sure to have all your ducks in a row. Get copies of all police reports and give them to your lawyer. Get letters from the shelter, if at all possible. Gather statements from family and friends. If you’ve ever been treated for breaks, concussions or any other injuries relating to the abuse, get copies and give them to your lawyer.

Abuser pushing family and friends out of your corner and into his: Generally, family and friends will take your side – at least REAL friends and family members. Be honest with them about the situation. Explain to them what has happened and what’s been going on in your life. Do this immediately. Family and friends are smart; they suspected something all along. I promise. They saw how you stopped making contact with them. They wondered why you stopped visiting or calling. And at least one person suspected that you were being abused. Though you may feel ashamed, like you are weak, you have to stand up for yourself now – and that starts with being open about the abuse. This also helps start the healing process.

Claims of mental instability: Go to a counselor. You can see a counselor through the shelter, but I recommend additional therapy. If you have no income, then you can usually qualify for state insurance. This will give you access to mental health services at no cost. Provide any and all mental health records to your attorney prior to your first court date.

Claims of drug abuse: Get a drug test. On your own. Provide the results to your attorney.

Lack of funds: This is a key area that abusers use to keep victims within their control. But it doesn’t have to be. There is state funding – food stamps, cash assistance and medical care. If you go to a domestic violence shelter, you can usually get approved within 10 days of your application because you are considered “homeless.” Remind yourself that it’s temporary, and that eventually, you will get back on your feet; you will have a job and a place of your own eventually. But for now, there’s nothing wrong with accepting help.

School for the kids: Change the kids’ school. Do NOT take them to the school they were attending while you were with your abuser. Provide the new school with a copy of your order of protection so that they know the abuser cannot pick up the children from school, for any reason.

Victim or survivor – the real truth: I can’t tell you how many women I watched go back. It was never the same reason. Some went back because they felt guilty; the kids would say how much they missed their Daddy or the women would worry that they would look like the bad guy. Some went back because they felt they couldn’t survive alone (financially, emotionally, or otherwise). To be honest, there are almost as many reasons to go back as there are victims. But there is always a core issue – an issue that goes much deeper than what most people can see.

Very rarely does the core issue come down to a fear of the abuser; if that were the case, the victim would continue to run in the other direction. However, there may be other fears, such as being afraid they can’t parent alone or that they can’t survive on their own. There are sometimes fears that the abuser can take the children, and that does happen on occasion. If, however, the victim takes the appropriate steps, gets enough people in her corner (people with authority) and speaks quite plainly and honestly (note I did not say maliciously or out of anger) about her situation, many people will listen. The problem comes when the victim doesn’t speak about the issue until the court date comes – when she stands in front of a judge and announces that she was abused when there is no documentation to back her story up. That’s why police reports, Child Protective Services, domestic violence shelters, and protective orders are so very important. These things and organizations serve as documentation.

Now, there is a real issue here, and that is, where custody situations arise, the batterer may be permitted to attend a support group or classes to obtain visitation (or in some cases, custody) of the child/ren. This is something that really needs to be addressed in the family court system because, not only are these classes/groups ineffective at treating the abuser (unless, of course, the abuser is actually interested in changing), these systems are easily manipulated. And it puts the battered woman and her children at further risk. What’s more, there are rarely follow-ups on custody cases where these types of arrangements have been made. Because of this, the abuser may (and often does) return to his abusive/stalking/threatening, and the children and the victim are left without any form of recourse.

In conclusion:

I can’t tell you, for certain, what makes the difference between someone leaving an abusive situation for good and why it is that so many women go back; I don’t have that answer, but I will tell you what was different for me. From the day I stepped into the shelter, I refused to accept the word victim. I wasn’t a victim and I didn’t believe that I ever had been. We victims tend think we have no choice but to be the victim, after all, our abuser has spent quite a bit of time and energy convincing us that we’ll never make it out or survive without them. But as long as you ARE a victim, you have no control. That lack of control is pretty scary, and it feeds into the thought that you can’t make it, that you can’t win, that you’ll never be able to get away from him. I was a survivor, even before I left. In my personal opinion, the only real victims are those that die while with their abusers because they never make it out. All other “victims” have the chance to leave. As hard as it may be, as scary as it is, there is always that chance. And only when the victim realizes that she doesn’t have to be a victim anymore will she truly be ready to leave the situation for good. Certainly there are challenges, and the entire thing feels insurmountable. But focusing on what can be done, by taking one small step after another, the victim can reach a healthier, violence free life.

All of this may just be my own opinion, but I am a survivor. Having survived and having put my life back together, I feel I do have a bit of authority to speak on this issue that so very few truly and honestly understand. Don’t mistake me for high and mighty or uppity; I just know that, in the shelters I stayed at, most of the women that worked there had been victims themselves at one time. I believe there really is a reason for that – because unless you’ve been a victim, you can never really understand what it’s like to be a victim or what it’s like to try and leave the abuse behind for good. It’s like trying to understand what it’s like to be blind. You can empathize, but until you’ve been blind, you’ll never fully understand.

Additional note: Oddly enough, I decided to do some additional research after writing this post. I found this resource which provides much of the same information listed above, but also some additional tips for battered women facing custody issues. The statistics are scary and alarming, and almost disheartening. But remember, there are things you can do. Do not give up. Do not let anyone take away your hope for a safe home environment. Above all, do not continue to live a life in which you must feel fear each and every day. There are ways to fight back, and you can start today.

Much love and support to all my fellow victims and survivors,

Catherine Givans

 

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A Story of Survival – Linda

Image courtesy of FreeDigitalPhotos.net 

For quite some time now, I’ve wanted to do a post about how domestic violence can affect a child until long after the abuse is over. Unfortunately, I wasn’t sure how to approach the subject; since my children are all minors, I feel it is my duty, as their mother, to protect their privacy. Thankfully, I found a wonderful friend that was willing to share her story. Everyone, please give Linda Smith a warm welcome!

Hi, my name is Linda Smith. I am 64 years old and an adult survivor of child abuse.

From day one, my birth, I lived with the dysfunctional and destructive behaviour of my parents. My father was an emotionally abusive alcoholic and my mother was an enabler, in the sense that she let it all happen. So basically, I spent 19 years living in an abusive relationship with my own parents. I had no way of escape, I was a captive victim and the main target.

Aside from the emotional abuse; there was my father’s drunken disasters, such as: driving drunk and causing accidents, hitting a pedestrian and then leaving the scene, becoming involved in bar room brawls, being beaten and robbed of his weekly paychecks. All of this added to the ongoing family stress and chaos. Our finances were in shambles for many years.

I never knew what normal was, I never fully understood the concept of love, I never knew what it was like to have a normal relationship with my parents. And most of all, I never knew who I was as an individual. Our personalities develop in the first 7 years of our lives; my first 7 years involved abuse and brainwashing. I was literally told who I was and what to think.

Experiencing emotional abuse from day one, meant that I learned to numb or stuff my emotions because they weren’t accepted in my house. If I cried, I was too emotional; if I was happy or excited, I was told to tone it down. No matter what mood I was in, I was lead to believe that it wasn’t accepted. So, I numbed my feelings; and they stayed numb. It also helped in numbing the pain I felt inside.

Abuse doesn’t stop with the abuser. Emotional abuse leaves open wounds that can last for years….to a lifetime. The memories just don’t go away because of adulthood. Ongoing abuse is the programming of our psyche on how we view ourselves and the world. It also breeds mistrust. We are set on a track of destruction because our self-esteem has been destroyed and the emotional debris is killing us inside.

Anxiety and fear from abuse rapidly turns into a multitude of illnesses and disorders. In my case, due to prolonged abuse, I suffered from major depression, C-PTSD, Depersonalization Disorder, OCD. And to add bad to worse, my first husband was an abuser. So add two and a half years more to the nineteen years I had already experienced. Compounding emotional damage.

Disorders didn’t show up in my life all at once. It was gradual and progressive. One thing sort of begat the other. And before I knew it, I was in the midst of full blown internal chaos. I had no control over my life anymore. So, I put myself into cognitive therapy at the age of 39. I had no other choice if I wanted to survive. It took perseverance, hard work, and 25 years to finally feel normal. I was in therapy for 25 years and on drug therapy for 15. (I’m still taking medication.) It was the best decision that I had ever made for myself. I completed my therapy March of this year. I will need the occasional return visit now and then. But I have peace of mind now, self acceptance, and the pain is gone, washed away from me forever. I am free.

It only takes one abuser to cause a lifetime of pain, but it only takes one person, each of us, to start the healing process. It’s a decision each of us have to make for ourselves. It’s a gift we deserve.

I am a survivor.

Thank you so much, Linda, for sharing your story.

I hope that your story, and your site, inspires others to make the decision to stop the cycle of domestic violence. I hope that all victims, current or former, seek healing – be it on their own or with the help of a professional – and discover just how beautiful and deserving of love, safety and respect they really are.

If you’d like to share your survivor story, please email me at cathygivans@rocketmail.com; it could help others realize that they’re not alone. You don’t have to share your real name with readers; I fully understand how important confidentiality can be when dealing with domestic violence situations. Thanks again for stopping by and I look forward to hearing your story.

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Book Review: Zeke by Wodke Hawkinson

ZekeZeke by Wodke Hawkinson
My rating: 5 of 5 stars

Ever wondered how women end up in abusive relationships? Why it is they don’t just leave or how, exactly, they fall in love with an abusive person in the first place? Read Zeke by Wodke Hawkinson. I didn’t just read a story that had me on the edge of my seat; I read a story that so accurately the victim’s mental rewiring and abuser’s charming mental instability that I had to step back and remind myself that I was reading a fictional story.

It’s not often that I find a book that can evoke a strong emotional response from me; Zeke did. And it wasn’t just the brilliant writing: exceptional character building would be an understatement, engaging story fails to do this book justice, and to say that the story and characters were realistic couldn’t even come close to describing what I experience while reading Zeke. In fact, the story was so realistic that I felt as though I was simply reading another victim’s story.

As you may well know, I am an advocate for domestic violence victims. I am also a survivor of domestic violence, so Zeke really jumped off the page for me. He was a living, breathing, standing in my living room abuser for me. I had to take several breaks throughout the book, just to breathe and remind myself that I was safe. But there are women out there that are NOT safe. They are with real versions of Zeke. While not all of them are likely as mentally unstable as our male protagonist, they are all mentally unstable in one way or another. Anyone that has ever been in an abusive relationship could probably find a resemblance of their abuser in Zeke.

For this reason, I wouldn’t recommend this book to everyone. For those that are still healing from the trauma caused in an abusive relationship, Zeke may not be a suitable read. But I would recommend this book to anyone else that enjoys psychological, nail biting, edge of your seat books. I’d also highly recommend this book to any young woman who is just starting out in the dating world or to any woman that may be on the verge of entering an abusive relationship.

There are Zeke’s on every corner, ladies, and they don’t come with a sign. Instead, they are charming, handsome, sweet, and completely in “love” with you. But what you see on the surface is nothing more than an act; deep down, they only want to control you, and many of them, like Zeke, actually enjoy seeing you in pain.

View all my reviews

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The Next Best Thing Challenge

Yaay! Another writing challenge! I’ve been tagged in a blog hop called “The Next Big Thing” (TNBT) by the amazingly creative children’s author Eyvonna Rains, who also happens to be a really sweet friend of mine. I was tagged on July 3rd, but with Independence Day right around the corner, I figured I’d wait until after to post my response.

Anyway, here’s how TNBT works:

  1. Answer the ten TNBT questions listed below about your current WIP.
  2. Tag five other writers and link to their blogs so we can hop over and read their answers!

What is the title of your book/WIP?

The Broken Home

Where did the idea for the book come from?

Where does the wind come from? That would honestly be an easier question to answer for me, lol. Seriously though, as a former victim of domestic violence, I felt this fire inside – a fire that needed to get out. The Broken Home is more than just a story to me; it’s a healing process. I hope it brings awareness and healing to others that have been, will be or are in a domestic violence situation. I also hope it sheds some light on the often misunderstood dynamics of abusive relationships. That’s my big goal. My small (note sarcasm) is to write a damn good story that readers will enjoy enough to share, recommend, and maybe even re-read.

What genre would your book fall under?

I’m still trying to figure out how to put this one into words – realistic dramatic paranormal fiction…maybe?

Which actors would you choose to play your characters in a movie rendition?

I’ve been mulling over this one for months now! Celebrities that kind of look like my characters don’t seem to fit the dramatic effect of the book, but those that are intense enough to play the part don’t seem to fit the vision I have in my head. It’s a good thing I’m not a movie producer, cuz I stink at it! Of course, if I had to pick, I think I would go with Neve Campbell for Cassandra. She’s a sweet, innocent, pretty young lady who can totally kick some ass if she needs to. Because of Brad Pitt’s ability to play rather mentally unstable individuals, I could totally see him slipping right into Matt’s character. Unfortunately, he’s a little older than Matt. Still, I think he could pull it off, and who can stay away from a Brad Pitt film? For Ryan, I’d choose Ryan Gosling – he’s totally hot and really amazing at portraying characters that are faced with do-or-die situations, plus he’s a total sweetie. While he’s definitely shorter than Ryan the character, I can’t think of anyone else that could play the part of Ryan better.

What is the one-sentence synopsis of your book?

After years of rape and abuse, Cassandra Riley’s life is interrupted by a ghost with an agenda and a deadly choice to make: run and risk her life or stay and risk it all

Is your book published or represented?

My book will be independently published.

How long did it take you to write?

Forever! Let’s see, we’re going on six months, maybe seven now…and I’m not set  to publish until next summer.

What other books within your genre would you compare it to?

I am certain there are other books out there to compare mine to, but to be honest, I don’t know of any at the present time.  I do know of a few other books that have a few similar elements, however: Betrayed by Woodke Hawkinson and Twisted Vengeance by Jeff Bennington.

Which authors inspired you to write this book?

My biggest source of inspiration came from Rachael Wade. I’m pretty certain that I wouldn’t have taken writing this book, or any other book for that matter, if she hadn’t been there to give me the loving kick in the rear I needed. =) But there are also other writers that have inspired me along the way, either with their encouragement or their writing. Jeff Bennington, Bradley Salters, Belle Mallory, Woodke Hawkinson, Kenya Wright…just to name a few.

Tell us anything else that might pique our interest in your book.

I think what I love most about The Broken Home is that the domestic violence topic, while consistent throughout, isn’t the only focus. You have a ghost that causes a bunch of trouble, a totally hot bad boy, a totally hot “good” guy, tons of action, and twists and turns in the plot that make it a true work of fiction. My goal is to include a touch of compassion while still focusing on writing a book that will leave readers wanting more.

Now for part B! Tag! You’re it!

Maryellen Brady

Jennifer Wagner

Sarah L. Fox

A.M. Schultz

Douglas Wickard

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You Are Beautiful

Five years ago today, I met an amazing man. Over the years, he has given me a soft place to land when my heart was hurting. He’s reinforced the beauty of me when I allow myself to doubt. He has loved every part of me, even when I’ve felt I was being unlovable. He took on a woman with baggage – three children and a history of abuse.

But this post isn’t really about him. While he is especially wonderful and amazing, this post is meant to celebrate the woman I had come to be the day he met me. While I’ve certainly changed drastically since that day, I can’t help but stand in awe of that woman.

Less than a year before that, that same woman had spent her days fearful and afraid, beaten and abused, isolated and alone. She allowed every ounce of that hurt and pain into her life, yet she failed to recognize that she had the power to change it. She was never truly a victim. She was an enabler.

It took a long time for her to see it, but when she did, she knew, at that very moment, if she didn’t leave the situation she was in, there might not ever be another chance. With nothing more than three children and the clothes on her back, she found her way across town and into a shelter. At that shelter, she learned that love didn’t come from any external source, but from within. She learned that she could survive and that being a single mother wasn’t half bad. In fact, it was wonderful, amazing, beautiful, empowering and uplifting.

I’m still a bit neurotic at times, I panic over things I shouldn’t, I curse way too much, my house is almost always a mess, my laundry piles up until I think it will grow legs and devour my children, I allow myself to get distracted from the song my soul sings, and I have an abrasive personality when the wrong line is crossed. But I am beautiful. I always have been. And so are you.

No matter where you are in life, no matter what you believe, no matter what your imperfections or past. You. Are. BEAUTIFUL. If you remember nothing else, believe nothing else, let those three words sing true in your heart today, tomorrow, and for eternity.

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Life Lessons from Dr. Seuss

Growing up, I loved Dr. Seuss. Little did I know that he was teaching me about the basic rules of humanity. Don’t believe me? Consider these points:

Recently, schools in Canada banned Yertle the Turtle. Why? Because of political issues. The phrase responsible for stirring up such controversy?

“I know up on top, you are seeing great sights, but down here on the bottom, we too should have rights.”

The Lorax, which was recently turned into a movie, draws attention to the death that consumerism can bring – death to our planet, and ultimately, death of all things living.

Horton Hears a Who – “A person’s a person, no matter how small…” Need I say more?

Horton and the Egg – Faithfulness, dependability and honor are the main traits that Horton is well known for, and he doesn’t disappoint when he’s left to tend the egg of a lazy bird.

Green Eggs and Ham – who could forget it?! The lesson here? Trying something new and scary can often lead us into the journey of a lifetime….

Speaking of journeys….

Some attendees at a recent Burning Man event created a wonderful video on “Oh! The Places You Will Go!” The emotion and message is quite evident when viewing the video. In life, we go many places – be they physical or emotional. Each place has its purpose. Some places are scary. Others are quite nice. Some teach us to love and others teach us to set boundaries. Check out the video below.

There are many other Dr. Seuss books that can teach us something wonderful about life, love and humanity. Whether you’re a life-long lover of Dr. Seuss or have never heard of him (which means you’ve lived under a rock you’re whole life!), I encourage you to revisit his books and see how they change your life!

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Life is Short – Make Memories

This week has been a very difficult one for me. I took on work project that I really shouldn’t have, spent days concerned that I had made a huge mistake on a client’s website, only to find out that the problem was easily solved, and I have had to dig my heels in hard and heavy with my professional writing. This, unfortunately, has left little time for the things that matter most in my life: my husband and my five amazing children.

Of course, on top of all that, there’s the cooking, the cleaning, the house repairs…AAAAAHHHH!!! It’s all enough to make a person go insane. What’s worse is that I haven’t even touched my book in weeks.

Now, before you run away and never return to my site because I sound like a compulsive whiner, let me just say that there really is a point to all of my complaining.

Life is short.

Right now, I am reading Lillian’s List by Bradley Salters.

My mother died at 46.

I am now 31.

My oldest son is now 14.

I have been married to my amazing husband for almost 5 years.

My baby is now 2.

Too short.

The point I am trying to make is that we get so caught up in the day to day hustle, bustle, frustrations, conversations, entertainment, complaining, working, and everything else that fills the hours of our days, that we often forget just how short life is.

After my Mom died, I told myself that I would never, ever forget just how short life can be. But that was more than six years ago. Life continues. Jobs continue, raising children continues, house work and chores continue. Yet, amidst it all, a life didn’t continue. A life that was important, precious and special to me and everyone that it had touched.

So, this reminder is probably more for myself than anyone, but I wanted to share it with you as well….

Life is short.

Too short.

Have fun, make memories, let the dust bunnies lie, learn to say no to commitments that monopolize your time, make someone laugh, be gentle with yourself and others, say a kind word, smile at a stranger, hug, forgive, take a walk, hold hands, dance in the rain and find ways to make each moment of this too short life count.

Make your life count because to someone else, you are that special life, and those moments will be cherished, treasured and missed, long after you’re gone.

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Old Memories Create New Life – Glycerine and Chapter Five

Writing and music – they go hand in hand for me. And as I dig into chapter five of Broken Home, music creates a connection to the raw emotions  and grittiness needed to bring my characters to life. All of my works are completely fictional, but they are based on very real emotions; emotions that I once buried for the simple sake of survival. Had I not buried them, I might not have survived. Now, as my characters cry out for life, those feelings, those experiences must surface.

It is a healing process. Trauma does funny things to us. It changes us. It causes us to withdrawal, bury and remove ourselves from the incident. But those experiences aren’t meant to be buried forever. They are meant to heal so that we can, once again, become whole. So we can learn, grow, flourish, blossom into the beautiful beings we are meant to be.

My dear friends, if you have trauma or have a painful moment you’ve buried and left to fester under the surface, I invite you to bring it to the surface in whatever way works for you. When you are ready. And if you find that you’re not ready or the pain becomes too much to handle, put it away for a while. Healing happens in layers and with time. Just don’t forget that it only happens with intention.

I also encourage you to seek out professional help, especially if you find yourself stuck. We all get stuck sometimes. We all need help sometimes. I attended nearly a year of domestic violence counseling and it helped me tremendously, and without it, I don’t know that I could have found a way to break the cycle and face my demons.

I’d also like to remind you to be patient with yourself as you tread down the winding road of healing. It took me four years to look at a photo of my abuser. That very first time sent me into a panic attack, but afterwards, I found the hold he still had on me – a hold of fear – diminished a little. My heart still races a bit, but I don’t break down and cry now when I see his photo or hear a song that reminds of that time and place. You can do this too. You can heal. You are allowed to heal. You are so worth it.